Monday, November 30, 2015

The truth of my fears

Mi ave neva been afraid
or Bears;
Mi wi neva be inna di position weh mi wi be inna di presence of dem

But mi afraid of snakes;

Dem cum outta nowhere; 
an suh bats

 an cops

Maybe it's just me

I'm not a marketing professional, 

but I was wondering, with the hundreds of cable networks in existence, why no one  ever thought of a network  that could be the source for black or other minority screenwriters and up-and coming directors, to show their work?
There has to be a few black or other minority screenwriters out there,  fantasizing about someone famous taking an interest in their projects,  with scripts collecting dust, right? There could be contests for short film ideas, where the public could vote for the ones having the best potential for full length films, or miniseries. Something progressive, as opposed to the ratchet reality shows where black women are fighting, backstabbing and pulling out weaves, etc.

Just a thought. 

Or perhaps, like in my situation... I'm a short story /novella writer, with no experience in writing screenplays. What if, on this fantasy of a network, there was a show- a contest where there are 5 or maybe 10 script writers asked to come up with a screenplays of one of my manuscripts or other submissions? They could have 20 minute skit/excerpts of their best scenes aired and have the public vote on the person who came up with the best ideas, and the winner gets the opportunity to direct the entire movie for the network? And not just my stories/novellas, but other people as well?

That's what I would do, if  I owned BET or OWN.

Am I the only person tired of the ratchetness, or sequels people produce because they can't come up with anything original?

THIS!...Jaylib - The Official (Rap Circle Mix)

DEJA - what to do now 87

Sunday, November 29, 2015


There are going to be some people who at some point of your life will become your friends. And some friends, who at some point, will become just people.
--Chanda Kaushik

So, about my date...

 She stood me up tonight,

 So I treated myself to dinner  at a very nice Seafood Restaurant and a movie. I saw Secret In Her Eyes. It was a pretty good movie. I saved money since I only had to pay for myself.

I got stood up tonight.

I had alot of time to think about why things like this keep happening to me.  The only thing I can come up with is that I was an asshole in a past life, because I'm the  sweetest, kindest person one I  could ever  be in this life. We chatted quite a few times before I asked her out. She didn't hesitate to say sure.

I got stood up tonight.

I put on my favorite purple shirt, my favorite black pants, my black leather jacket. I put on my Jean Paul Gaultier cologne- a cologne that my married female friends always ask about so that could buy it for their husbands.

My waitress told me I smelled nice.

I got stood up tonight.

 I called and got her voicemail. I texted her, checking to  to see if maybe she had gotten in an accident, but I got no response. I wonder if she'll be at church tomorrow morning. I met her in church a few weeks ago. I keep being told that I should be able to find attractive single women in church.

I didn't cry tonight when I got home, but I did drink an entire bottle of  2009 Château du Seuil Graves Rouge, Bordeaux, ate a hamburger, and went to bed.

That is all. 

Friday, November 27, 2015

The other N word

A friend of mine-his mother passed away a month ago and he  mentioned the other day that he was going to go to his mom's house  to finally pack up things and get the house ready for auctioning off things that he didn't have room for in his house. Without being asked, I offered to help him.  That's my nature; I always offer to help without being asked.
He asked me why I'm always so nice?

I told him that that was my nature. It's also because I worry there might actually be a thing called reincarnation. This life for me, has sucked, and I figured that in a past life I must have been an asshole; a tall, good looking, muscled asshole with alot of money and lots of women wanting me, and tons of kids I didn't want because in this life my life is the opposite. I want to be so good in this life, I want to be so loving, so thoughtful, so kind, so giving, so selfless, that in the next life I will be like I was in the previous one.

 Just not an asshole.

My brother's facebook post

                                                                                         I think my my brother finally opened his eyes. 

He vented out on a Facebook post this morning:

"Im about to stand up. Everybody that was supportive threw my struggles i have the most love for. Everybody that tried to throw dirt on my name and kick me when i was down and out fuck em. Im about succeed on everybody that thought i was down for the count. I don't give a fuck about anything but me myself and my kid. I love wen someone says i ain't shit i love it because that shit just makes me more focused and ambitious. Fuck what you think"

 I can tell he was pissed and was fed up when he wrote the above. I  know his pain and the source of it. He made good grades in high school. Straight A's, but if you grow up hearing 'you aint shit and you aint gonna be shit," you might grow up believing you aint shit. So he dropped out, turned his life to crime, and had sex with every woman who looked his way. He then went to jail.   He had a girlfriend and daughter. He's turned his life around when he got out a year later. He's living alone,  and going back to school to get his high school degree. He's working fulltime doing construction, and spending time with his daughter, and supporting her as well, and yet, he's now hearing  "I told you, you weren't shit and you aint gonna be shit : "

From our mother.

Subjecting or exposing another to verbally abusive behavior can result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. According to Wikipedia,
Even though there is no established definition for emotional abuse, emotional abuse can possess a definition beyond verbal and psychological abuse. Blaming, shaming, and name calling are a few identifiers of verbal abuse which can affect a victim emotionally. The victim's self-worth and emotional well being is altered and even diminished by the verbal abuse and the result is an emotionally abused victim.. The victim may experience severe psychological effects. This would involve the tactics of brainwashing, which can fall under psychological abuse as well, but emotional abuse consists of the manipulation of the victim's emotions. The victim may feel their emotions are being affected by the abuser so much that the victim may no longer recognize what their own feelings are about issue/s the abuser is trying to control. The result is the victim's self-concept and independence are `systematically taken away'

Here was my response to him:

I love you bro. Keep your head up. You know how to reach me if you need any encouragement. I had to remove everyone from my life that was hurting my spirit, even if I loved them. You are capable of anything you set your mind to. Remember that.


Thursday, November 26, 2015

The truth about today.

I'm not too conscious to not enjoy a bullshit holiday like Thanksgiving, because the fact of the matter is, black folk might as well come together with family and go through the motions. We all know it's bullshit. But what's even more bullshit is that if it wasn't for the holidays, the only time family is coming together is for funerals.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Something Radical

Now that I just got paid, I'm going to do something I have never done before in my life.

I'm going to pay my bills first before I buy anything. And I'm counting my savings account as a bill. 

I know it's radical, but I'm gonna do it!

Sunday, November 15, 2015

From a friend's facebook page-

True Islam does not condone terror and killing innocents. We will keep stating this over and over again. The terrorists cannot silence us. #ParisAttacks

Saturday, November 14, 2015


Pray for Kenya too

Earlier this month, Kenya was rocked with a terror attack that left 148 people dead. Of those, 142 were students.
The brutal massacre happened at Garissa University College in the eastern part of the country close to the porous Somali border.
Members of the Islamic extremist group Al-Shabab claimed responsibility — calling it revenge for Kenyan troops fighting Somali rebels in 2011. This same group gained international attention in 2013 when they brutally killed 67 people at the Westgate Shopping Mall in Nairobi.
At Garissa, a handful of militants stormed the campus. After separating Muslims from Christians, they killed the Christians execution style.
The New York Times called it the worst terror attack against the nation since 1998 when the US embassy was bombed in the capital. Yet, many felt the atrocity did not garner as much attention as other international terrorist attacks. The frustration played out on social media with tweets like this
Terrorism theorist Max Abrahms, from Northeastern University said there is no one explanation, but thinks there is an element of racism at play.
“In the Garissa University attack, both the perpetrator and the victims are black and that may help to explain why the international community paid relatively little attention,” he said. “Another explanation is I believe there is probably weak local media coverage within Kenya . We didn’t actually watch in real time and that’s different say than in the case of Charlie Hebdo. ”
The twelve French cartoonists were mourned from every corner of the globe in January. In that very same week, hundreds were massacred in the city of Baga in Nigeria. With little attention, Nigerians used the only tool that seemed effective — a hashtag — #JeSuisNigerian.
And now Kenyans, in hopes their loved ones will never be forgotten are sharing pictures of when the victims were alive using the hashtag “#147isnotjustanumber,” a reference to the initial victim count.
Since the attack, the Kenyan government vowed they will respond in the severest way possible. Last week they bombed two Al-Shabab training camps.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Lexus Verses and Flow Season 3: Fiveology's Performance

Missy Elliott - WTF (Where They From) ft. Pharrell Williams [Official Vi...


I think that 5 years from now, I'll buy an apartment in  Paris and live there part of the year, and then come back to California, Wisconsin, and the Disctrict of Columbia periodically . I will only tell my coworkers,  my landlord, my one friend who I have coffee breaks with, my best friend, and my one  Thursday lunch friend.

No one else will even know. Not even my 289 Facebook friends.

I won't tell my family.

They won't even know I've moved, since I've been here in Oregon for 8 years, and though I'm always inviting them to come visit, I haven't have one person visit me the entire time I've been here.

No one else will even know I have moved, since I'm doing all the vacationing anyway. I fly to see family once a year.

But for some reason, I get the feeling people would want to visit me if I lived in Paris.  I'm going there early 2016 for another vacation.  I can't can get Paris out of my mind. It's all I can think about.

I'm determined to sell enough baked goods, and sell enough poems and short stories to buy an apartment there.

I'm putting it out into the universe and I'm praying.

God, Please, bless me!!

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Bon Anniversaire!

Three years ago today, I was having dinner at the 58 Tour Eiffel Restaurant,  in the Eiffel Tower, for my 50th birthday. It was a gift from my best friend, Father Steve Demuth. 

I miss Paris.  I'm going again in the Spring, next year.

But anyway, I got to see 53 today! And I'm in Maryland/DC for the week.

52 was HORRIBLE; one of the worse years of my life. I'm not going to say It could have been worse because it could have. I had to shut the door ( well, leave it ajar) on someone I loved, for my sanity.

I've basically given up on everything I dreamed of having a generation ago. I've resigned to never getting married and never having kids.

I'm going to travel every chance I get.

Happy Birthday to me

Goodbye and Hello

See ya 52! You were awful. 

You were one of my worst years. 

53 Has great things to come, I hope!

Please make it so!

I'm begging you, God-


Monday, November 9, 2015

November 9, 2015

So, I return from the cafeteria after eating breakfast and getting my coffee, and I see this spread, and I'm thinking who's desk is this? It my desk,and someone else brought in treats for me, for my birthday ( I'll be on vacation on my actual birthday). A Pineapple upside down cake, and cupcakes with bacon on top! Someone knows me!
I work with some cool people!

Sunday, November 8, 2015

A quote to get your week started off on a positive note!

 Every day is a new opportunity to present your best self. Shine bright!

A good thing

Read books! Intellectual "pounds" is a good thing. 

I'm reading two books; one in preparation for the movie coming out in December, and the other for the fun of it.-

 What are you reading? 


Friday, November 6, 2015


When the lion will have its own history, the history will not be any more written by the hunter

-Senegalese proverb

Thursday, November 5, 2015

A Closed Mouth Never Gets Fed

A saying popular among adults, which means if you do not open your mouth you will not get what it is you want.
Jane was too quiet at the birthday party, and when everyone got their food, she was last to get hers.

Mother came to Jane and said 'Why aren't you eating?'

Jane responded 'I do want to eat...'

Mother concluded, "A closed mouth doesn't get fed. Next time open your mouth."

The big 50 !!

 My sister Cheryl turns 50 today!

Tuesday, November 3, 2015


Special (Contains Hidden Track 'Can't Be Stopped')

In the past 72 hours

  •  I made another Maple Bacon Cake
  •  I cleaned my place so clean you can eat off the bathroom floor
  •  I started a new story called Dark Details
  •  I got through the first chapter of Trigonometry for Dummies and understood each math problem
  •  I made a  White Chocolate Pistachio Cake ( practice for the cake I'm making for my birthday next week)
  •  I heard from everyone who knows me, that Halle Berry is getting divorced again

  je suis fatigue...!

Are you kind?

The truest greatness lies in being kind.

--Ella Wheeler Wilcox

This post might be for you.

Sometimes you have to silence the voice in your head that says you can't.

That is all.